Autograph Diary of Jennifer Samuel, twenty-year-old student under H. J. Eysenck at the Institute of Psychiatry, King's College, London, and amateur actress training for a career in the theatre at the City Lit.

Iv + 224pp, 8vo. Ownership inscription of 'Jennifer Samuel 16.12.58'. In good condition, lightly-aged and worn. The diary is arranged with two days to a page, and with fourteen lines available for each entry. Seven pages of 'cash account', giving expenditure from January to July, at end. Almost without exception, each page is fully filled in, mostly in pencil. An unusually well-written diary, presenting an interesting account of an intelligent young Englishwoman, torn between the 'two cultures' of the arts and sciences, and reflecting the growing sense of freedom and potential felt by such women in late 1950s Britain. As the diary begins the twenty-year-old Jennifer (she will be 21 on 15 June) is in her final year under the celebrated H. J. Eysenck at the Institute of Psychiatry, King's College, London. She works hard, living what she describes (13 March) as a 'Hectic life': neurology lectures, psychology tutorials, assessments at Moor House, seminars 'at W. E. H.', clinics at Guy's Hospital ('After walked round Bankside - steps of Shakespeare so to speak'); but it is dreams of a theatre career that fill her thoughts, and she is also enrolled as a student on a theatre course at the City Lit [City Literary Institute] in Covent Garden. The diary begins with Jennifer on holiday, and in conflict with her parents at the family home on the south coast of England. 2 January: 'already I've upset Dad. [...] What makes me so mad is when he carries on about ingratitude & the modern generation & that "I run to him soon when I want anything for precious theatre"'. The following day she complains of being 'jolly fed up that I can't do anything re having a go at first rung of theatre ladder till next summer'. On the Sunday the family go to church, and Jennifer knits; and on the Monday she goes 'down to Worthing' and buys 'lipstick, nail varnish & some green stockings'. In the evening she goes to 'Fullers' and 'the famous Nigel Wickens' is there. On 7 January her mother declares, somewhat tactlessly, 'You were such a joyous baby - I sometimes wonder why you've changed'. On 9 January she goes to a 'rugger dance' and discovers she likes gin and tonic. 'I feel so inadequate somehow - just lacking something that would make my presence wanted a lot.' Three days later she is back at college, with her drama course at City Lit in the evening. 13 January: We had quite good rehearsal [...] Shaw demonstrated real tears - how convenient to be able to do it. Went to coffee after - lovely talk on theatre, theatre theatre!' The following day she states 'No neurology this morning - what bliss. [...] Eysenck was in v. good mood - just like another student!' Her moods veer from one extreme to the other throughout. On the one hand she worries that her 'moaning is negative exhibitionism' (15 January), and on the other she feels 'so full (I don't quite know what of!) that I could burst. Like after seeing a terrific play!' On 20 January she does three hours neurology in the morning, and in the evening has a rehearsal: 'We really got down to it at Simon's and did it best we've ever done at City-Lit. Shaw also spent ages on my Shrew [...] Went to coffee after (4 of us). John said he would like to do a scene with me after comp. How glorious.' Her passion for the theatre continues undimmed. 27 January: 'City-Lit. surpasses words - or my limited vocab at any rate. Diana Jeffries came - she said I was lost there. Also John said he thought I'd have a good chance & at RADA & was better than most amateurs he's seen.' 3 February: 'Mr. Shaw said, "Come on now, you know you're good, so let's have your best." [...] Went to coffee after but managed to be home by 11.15 - feeling there are bigger things in life than sp. th. exams, & they don't matter a hoot - how dangerous!' On 6 February 'Prospectus for Bristol came - appears better than RADA - covers wider field, more thorough & more attention to detail. But no scholarships available. Talk about "Sleeps in Elysium"!' The following day she is in ecstatic mood: 'Got to City-Lit aqt 1.0, so was able to change & beautify at leisure. Did Katherine first at 2.0 - & stone me I was put through to finals and THEN after finals to the final concert. And to think that I only did it as an experiment - But what hard work comedy is! For Hamlet, Simon had flu & we had a foul adjudicator - felt he was prejudiced from the start. [...] gosh the exhilaration of feeling a packed room full of people all responding to you. Before the thing I feel so nervous I wonder why on earth I do it - but afterwards I know. By gum, how my ambition soars - may I never let it lose control!' On 19 February she wins the 'Beginners Prize' in her drama class, 'AND Edith Evans was there - cor!!' On 3 March she reports that 'Shaw is deadly serious about me trying for RADA [...] He says I must send for audition sheet etc & he'll ring up his very influential friend'. On 16 April she is back on the south coast, in low spirits: 'When I consider actresses (not necessarily top notchers but even Judi Denches) & then me I despair of ever doing anything in the theatre. I am so lumpy'. Two days later the idea of returning to her studies fills her with dread: 'GHASTLY Thought this time next week I'll probably be back in London. I just don't feel I can face another term of clinics & & exams - I suppose I'll survive - 13 Wks isn't long out of a lifetime.' Back at college on 30 April she writes: 'Did my psycho. essay this morning. Hope Eysencks penetrating mind doesnt guess that a lot was personal!!' By 21 May she has become impatient with amateur dramatics: 'It is horrid going to City-Lit now because I don't really feel I belong any more & most of the types in the class are very amateur'. On 7 June she wonders if 'it's good hearing so much re RADA, at least I'll know what I'm in for!! COULD I ever survive?' Meanwhile, on 12 June, she passes a 'rather deadly day at M[oor]. H[ouse]. - the more actual the prospect of a job becomes, the more I wonder if I could ever stand it'. On 20 June she she expresses relief that the first step of her final examinations is over. Three days later she complains of 'Another day of foul exams. Psycho. - all waffle & no facts.' On 18 July she complains: 'I don't feel I can stand the soul destroying boredom of M.D.S. for a year. When in the theatre I feel that's where I belong, it sort of draws me, literally like a magnet & it's dreadful feeling that I could so easily become part of it. & yet by all in it am considered as a lay-man - to sit gawking in the front of the house. It'll be even more dreadful when the theatre herself refuses to have me'. At the end of July she learns that she has passed her exams: 'I simply can't think how - I certainly didn't deserve to from amount of work or enthusiasm!' She is accepted for a place at Purdown and Stoke Park Hospitals in Bristol. In August the family holiday in the north of England and Scotland. In Bristol on 12 September she finds 'Miss C[ooke]' a 'great character': 'I got up at 8.15 & had breakfast in my room This morning Miss C. took me all round Bristol - to see Sue Stagg then to shops, Vic, bus station, library etc. She has so many contacts that it seems that I'm going to have more social life than I can cope with!' On 25 September she describes how she finds it 'Quite interesting at the school, though I didn't really know what they are getting at - certainly some odd types up there - not least Sue. I can make no contact [with] her it is like talking to an ice-berg. I have the feeling that she thinks I'm a fool as she always seems distant & superior'. On 1 November she hears a talk by Marie Lahr, and enthuses: 'v. rambling, but what a wealth of experience! Went to coffee after & have found details of play reading groups - oh life is marvellous - I wonder if many other people are as full of joy as I feel these days. I hope so - & do I seem to be so from outside or do I seem grim & moany!' Her mood changes dramatically three weeks later, when she writes 'HIATUS came tonight - Miss C. greeted me [with] fact that she had private patient for me at Portishead - short return. [...] I felt quite sick & trapped. Seemd opportunity to say why I couldn't stand another pt. - that I hate sp. th. & plans for theatre schools. Miss C said "I think you might have told me before" but didn't mind at all. [...] I felt I couldn't stand an extra half hour at sp. th. - apart from folly of being paid 10/6 a time [...] R. S. said auditions any time - own voice must be modern'. On 29 November she has a 'good heart to heart' with 'H. H.' (a theatre coach?), 'about what we're to do & I was well sized up. A pity she is very pro RADA & anti Bristol. But I think she can give me what I want.' By the end of the year nothing has been resolved, although 31 December is a 'memorable day', spent with her mother at Pontings and Barkers in Kensington High Street. 'What will this year hold for me - excitement & disappointment but certainly there is much to be achieved if only I can do it.' The rear endpaper carries a resolution by Samuel, made on 1 January 1959 and 'Fulfilled' on 29 November: 'I don't believe in resolutions but I feel the probable events of the yr to come call for at least one. NOT to sit back & wish about acting, but to DO SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE ABOUT IT. I have sworn it.'